10 Epic Rants

OK, kiddos!  Enough is enough.  It’s time to get off the tit and stop making pathetic excuses.

So, you’ve received a couple ‘informative’ posts, that actually had some decent tips…and now it’s my turn to rant.  About what?  Well, everything…

1.  You, Mrs. come into Starbucks and order a venti caramel frap and a ‘multi grain’ bagel….in your workout gear. It’s crazy, everyone is laughing at you, and you should probably stick to water until your rear end doesn’t require it’s own zip code.

2.  You, Mrs. I like to wear summer dresses that are slightly see thru. This wouldn’t be a problem, if your dress didn’t keep getting stuck in between your side rolls.  This is no longer a ‘muffin top’, instead, it is now a triple scoop muffin wrapped in a thin napkin.  WTF?!

3.  You, Mr. my biceps are now bigger and more powerful than my quads. Huh?  If you visit your local corporate fitness chain gym on a regular basis, you know what I’m talking about.  It’s the rooster syndrome.  Big upper, towering build, and thick pumped arms…all carried by 2 toothpick size legs.  They’re easy to pick out…the ones who have calves and quads of similar size.  Be on the look out for sleeveless shirts, and your standard gym goer arm tattoos.  Members of this club are NOT allowed to own any shirts that have sleeves attached.  If the only work your legs get is the walk to the preacher curl machine, change your routine now.

4.  You, my gerbils.  You didn’t think I’d forget about the ones that stay consistently about 15-20lbs overweight, but somehow think it’s fine because they ‘treadmill’ 3x a week. You know, the ones who stand in line and wait for a machine…no goal to become the machine.  They buy the latest, greatest, running shoes- and Nike commercials consisting of people running for long periods of time inspire them.  Somehow, the same 45 minutes on the treadmill, at level 5, that they’ve been doing for the last 14 months, is going to bring a different result this time.  The only thing that has changed is the channel on the stupid TV, that they watch and laugh at for 45 minutes while they run.

5.  You, Mr. corporate fitness club, that gives everyone false hopes in search of a monthly fee. You preach a false slogan, ‘We’re all athletes.’ and then sell Coke, and NoS energy drinks outside of the locker room.  What ‘athlete’ drinks that crap after, or before a workout.  Athletes don’t use machines that look like the son of Robo Cop.  Athletes don’t do 100s of variations of bicep curls, and ignore everything below the waist.  You try to push your ‘branded’ supplements and say it is a boost the body needs for optimal results.  Real athletes wouldn’t wouldn’t touch that crap.  If you’re going to take pills that have more chemicals, bonders, binders, agents, and other synthetic fillings, than a box of Tide…why not just do steroids?  No matter how they want to mask it, we are NOT all athletes.  Some people in there barely qualify as living humans.

6.  You, Mr. and Mrs. nothing works for me, all fitness programs suck and I just can’t do it. Well, the last part is probably correct.  If you can, or you can’t…you are correct.  It’s been said many times.  Here’s a tip; in order for a program to work, you have to ACTUALLY do it!  If you train 4x a week and eat shitty 3x a week, you will fail.  If you train on a consistent basis, but have small cheats on a regular basis…you will fail.  You will not see any desired results.  If you’re schedule rivals that of Mr. Obama, and you find yourself training twice a week…you will fail.  If you train hard, but have no outside discipline..you fail.  If you’re a tree hugging freak, that eats only the purest of the pure…but hate to train- well, then, you’ll just look like a sucked up girly man.  You will probably start wearing real tight pants, dark shirts, and eye liner.  At that point, who cares anyhow?

6B.  You, Mr. busy, busy, busy. Well, from what I have experienced…it is my conclusion;  being ‘busy’ increases your chance of being obese by 92.6%.  Further research shows, of that 92.6%, self entitlement, and lack of time management was responsible for 99.5% of the ‘busy’.  Social activities based around a meal, and entertainment, were two other leading contributors.  Of course, this study is completely made up.

7.  You, Mr. I try everything, from the Ab Circle to Yoga, to green tea, to some pill that ‘clumps fat together’ so you can poop it out, to 3 meals a day, to 8 meals a day…everything, except, eating real foods. You love to make excuses about time, cooking, and shopping.  You search for a ‘healthy’ option that you can take to go thru a window.  You ignore obvious facts and nutritional information.  You allow others to dictate what you eat, and have no problem explaining your way thru meal after meal.  You justify this by blaming some genetic disorder, and never, ever have taken the time to truly track the food you eat and how it affects your body.  Here’s a tip; just because you slop your way thru a couple workouts per week, doesn’t justify your fast food crutch.

8.  You, Mr. Fitness guru. Your cheesy before and after photos that go along with your recommendations and product endorsements…all your marketing tactics, with the latest, and greatest developments…it’s sad!  If something has ‘never been seen before’ or is a ‘top secret tip’ or has ‘been used by pro athletes behind the scenes’ or ‘has not been available to the public’ until now…just run from it.  Don’t worry, there will be an ever better product released next year, and your favorite guru will probably endorse it, too.  Just save your money and buy next years model.  Better yet, get last years model out and actually TRY using it for a change.  It’s a shame this happens, and even worse…the people that buy it time after time.

9.  You, Mr. and Mrs. I cannot let go of the ’same old’ low fat diet, or fat free substitutes…or my belly. You would think that years of buying fat free this, and low fat that, would equal a flat belly.  Sure, it may have allowed some WEIGHT to be lost over the months- but, this may be credited to the fact that you don’t eat 2 snickers per day, and wash it down with a couple dr. peppers.  It has nothing to do with your fat free choices.  Actually, once you lose some initial weight- the fatless options are going to halt any further progress you desire.  Get with the program.  The research was flawed, and further covered up by enormous food corporations thru lobbying and good ol’ money!  Do you really think some half chemical, half food is better for you than real full fat food?  You cannot offset the fact that you eat way more than you should…not even some frankenfood invention that allows you to eat more.

10.  You, Mr. and Mrs. I cannot buy organic fruits and vegetables because they cost twice as much as conventionally grown products. First off, WTF?!  Why are pesticides and other crap practices considered conventional, or normal…and organic needs a special label?  It’s stupid.  Anyhow, if you didn’t have to save for the next release of the iphone, android, blueberry smoothie version of the blackberry…you’d have some extra cash for food.  Oh, and your hair, nails, and purse combo- that was about $700 total…well, it does nothing for your flabby gut.  Spend it on the right food if you want to look better.  Wow, what an amazing purse.  It covers up your rolls like magic! Puhlease!!

I hope you enjoyed the rant.

-Mike.

Related posts:

1. Epic Ways
2. An EPIC month so far…and we’re not finished
3. The Answer is YOU
4. How to MAKE it WORK